It is of great importance to prioritize self-care.

I hope that your training has emphasized the value and importance of taking time for yourself, and I encourage you to think long and hard as to what self-care activities you want to incorporate that fit you and your needs. Here, in this entry, I want to challenge you to have a deeper understanding as to why we as therapists need self-care and healthy boundaries once we are “off the clock.”

Self care is important because in order to understand the why more fully, it will allow you, I hope, to be more motivated to follow through with the commitments you make to yourself, and in doing so become the best counselor you can be.

We begin, as we always ought to begin, with a story.

When I first started out as a clinician working for my first group practice, although I had some good supervision, I was so naive and new to the profession to understand the real importance of self-care. I remember on one occasion, while my client challenged me, he exclaimed that, ‘he didn’t want to open up and give me more reasons to need self-care’. I didn’t really know what he meant, and I didn’t give it much thought then, until now… Recently, I was reviewing conversations that stuck out to me, that comment being one of them, it seems what he was getting at was, because I had to practice self-care after his sessions, it indicated to him that he was a burden and his problems were too much for me to handle. Far from it!

So why do we need self-care as therapists? Yes, at first it seems that we can, ‘shake it off’ or simply, ‘walk through it’. I encourage all therapists to learn how to work through or process the content of each session as well as the interpersonal relationship and interaction between client and therapist. But often there might be a misinterpretation of self-care that it’s meant to help therapists detach ourselves from our clients and their problems. It’s like saying “Good thing I don’t have to deal with so-and-so and their problems anymore. I can’t take it any longer. I need a break from them.” This interpretation, although maybe having some good intentions, isn’t the best approach because it communicates specifically that your clients may be a burden to you. I do believe the why is much deeper, and the first step is recognizing, as I mentioned a time or two in previous entries, that the therapist needs to be moved by their clients, to communicate to them that they matter. They matter to the therapist, and so self-care is not so we can become numb, detached, or indifferent to our clients suffering. We practice self-care so that we maintain our role as a companion, as a Simon Sirene and not a savior. 

Once I started off in private practice, it was just me, myself, and I. I did all the scheduling, the intake paperwork, etc. It was great. About a year into it, as things began to grow, I noticed that I was becoming increasingly anxious when communicating and scheduling my clients. If I had a sick day or wanted to stay home to help my wife with the new baby, I dreaded becoming so anxious over the fact that I would have to call my clients and tell them I had to cancel our appointments. I was always so devastated. The way this impacted me communicated that my clients were more important than my family. The idea began to form that my clients needed me and that without me, they would fall apart. It was me who held them together. It was me who must save them. I didn’t rationalize that clients were not simply waiting around to come to their counseling session. They were at work or school and would continue to go about their daily schedule after coming to me for therapy. It didn’t impact them as deeply as it was affecting me that I rescheduled them for the following week, outside of suicidal clients, they were perfectly capable of making it to the next week, even on their worst day. I lacked the boundaries to self-care, because I saw myself as my client’s savior, but there has already been one. Your clients don’t need you to fill that role. And the kicker is, you don’t want to be their savior. Outside of it being an overwhelming job, it defeats the truth about therapy. You are never meant to save your clients, you are to encounter them intimately and walk with them. Help carry their cross, not carry it for them. I was able to identify and set a boundary in order to have a healthy work life balance, thus, I hired my guardian angel, my Aaron to my Moses, my office manager, my friend, Rachel, to take care of all the communication and scheduling with my clients. It has truly made all the difference.

So even if self-care for you is playing loud music on your drive to and from work or saying a silent prayer, know you’re not doing so because you don’t want to or can’t deal with the day ahead, but so that you can say, well, that was hard, I did my best, now let me turn this over, surrender this over to the real savior, to a higher power who is actively taking care of my clients, so you can take care of yourself. Take a rest, be at peace, so that you can come back the next day and give your clients your entire self.

The savior mentality will burn you out and it is so tempting to want to become the savior, but you’re not. This is good news! It gives you the freedom to be the very thing you’re good at; being the kick-ass authentic, unique, loving, most amazing therapist ever. I suppose another way to see self-care is an act of surrender and humility, knowing that what you just witnessed can’t be fixed by you. You can surrender everything to God, the true Savior, allowing you to rest peacefully, knowing that they are in God’s hands and not yours.

Another reason it is important to set aside time for self-care is not to see our clients as the sum of the issues, or in other words, to help maintain the perception that our clients are more than their problems. They are not defined by their suffering. Many times I would come home and brood over the content issues of my clients which would distract me from being present with my family.

I’ll pause here and introduce the assertion that there is a difference between brooding over what occurred, was said, discussed, or revealed in session with a client versus being moved or impacted by what occurred, said, discussed, or revealed in session. Brooding is essentially willfully choosing to stay or focus only on the problems or content of our clients. Although feeling emotions in response to what occurred, or discussed in session is natural, good and anticipated, to stay in it on purpose, or at the very least not being proactive in moving forward and through such feelings is brooding. It’s like saying “ Oh wow, oh wow, this is big” over and over again without wanting to get out of such sensation or state of response.  There is a possible danger of “near hysteria”  to brood in our clients’ problems. It can give a certain experience similar to “getting a high off of something.” A “story of how I wrestled a bear” that I want to tell over and over again. Get the picture? Disclaimer, there’s nothing wrong in staying on the case for a bit of time to strategize and consult on how to help your clients, but if you’re staying in the mess so you can, “find the answer” to saving your clients from their destruction, shame, brokenness or wounds, then you’re essentially doing the therapy all wrong. You’re not meant to save your clients.  

Being moved on the other hand, is being in the mess. Being in the mess with your client means that you are able to communicate that they matter – not that you can save them. In practical terms, ‘I hear you, I feel, empathize, care, love and see beyond the issue and provide hope.’ You can tell the difference between brooding and allowing yourself to be moved by the act of the will. 

Ask yourself, am I staying here on purpose in order to brood, to save, or am I noticing vast suffering, honoring it and surrendering it over to God, the true savior?

Here’s the kicker, by allowing yourself to be the best therapist you can be. You need to let go of your clients’ problems. Letting go of the problems acknowledges the notion that they, your clients, have what it takes to get through the struggle, trusting that they will be okay. A therapist focusing only on your problem lets them see only a part of you. By learning to let go, I see all of you, your potential, goodness, beauty, strength and courage, and when you come back, rather exclaiming, ‘I have the answer for you! I can save you!’ Instead, I can assertedly exclaim, ‘You’re capable, look, see how you got through.’

Maybe a good question to help guide is to decide whether you want to empower your clients or save them. Keep in mind that the tendency to want to save your clients might possibly come from your worldview on suffering, that is, something to be avoided. However, by empowering our clients helps lead them to redemption, healing and freedom oftentimes in the very midst of suffering without having to avoid it. 

All in all, practice self-care so you are surrendering the problems, the content, and seeing clients as more than the problems, and allow yourself to be truly caring and, at times, an intimate companion on the journey of healing.