Pay close attention to your client’s eyes. What are their eyes saying that their words are not? Who do you see in front of you? Always remember that truth is found in a person’s eyes. You will see what they truly are thinking, feeling and believing.

The significant importance of this reality is that as therapists we listen and reflect. We empathize and we paraphrase back what we hear. These actions of utilizing techniques ultimately invites our clients to change; to transform. Part of our role as therapists is to gently challenge and invite our clients to become a better version of themselves. Through learning coping skills when they become anxious and holding them accountable to follow through with their newly learned skills. Exploring with a client on how to build boundaries with their parents and to self-advocate. Oftentimes it’s inviting them to walk with you to go and heal deep and painful wounds. Wounds they’ve been avoiding, wounds they are terrified of, wounds that have ended up causing infection and tragically impacting their daily lives. The reason why it is so very important to look into your client’s eyes is to understand the reality of what you’re asking them to do. Thus giving you the ability to meet them there, their eyes tell you where they are. 

As a therapist, always be aware of what you’re asking of your clients, get in touch with what they are feeling and empathize with what they are going through. You do this by gazing upon them, peering into their soul as though you are looking through a window. There they will tell you. There you can be with them. In order to invite others, even ourselves to change, particularly through healing significant wounds, is a big ask and challenge. And if we simply go through our techniques or ask our clients to tell their story without first really seeing them, being with them at the start, then we are not doing our jobs well. We are not a wise man, who is ahead of the pack, pointing for the client to walk to where you want, but rather we walk with our clients, beginning with where they are. Two broken people, companions on a road to healing. And how do you know where they are? Who they are? Take a look and see; their eyes will tell you! 

I remember one client in particular. About a month or so in, she caught a cold right before her session and since we were just getting our bearings of being back after COVID, we both agreed to take extra precaution and wear a mask during the session. Now, I’ve done this before and so have many of my clients. However, it wasn’t until this session that I realized what a unique opportunity I had to see my client in a new and different way.  My client began sharing with me significant wounds she caused herself in her past. She expressed great shame and hurt. As we discussed, it became apparent that to begin healing such a wound we would have to process her past and validate her emotions and hurt. We came across “reeds” where my client had to decide for herself if she was willing to go back and heal her past. In session I provided the empirical evidence and invited her to take a leap of faith, to say yes to taking such a risk. It was here in this moment during our conversation that I was thinking of how I wished I could see her whole face, veiled by the mask she was wearing, knowing that subtle cues and muscle movements could give me a better insight to what she was experiencing and what she was thinking. However, it encouraged me to take a closer look, to slow down and make eye contact with her, to gaze upon her eyes and see. Because of the mask, I only saw what her eyes were telling me. She was scared. Being ambitious, she verbalized her motivation of wanting to heal her painful wounds and that she was open, determined, and hopeful! And yet, I could tell in her eyes she was also terrified.This is completely normal. The kicker is that courage isn’t about not being scared but willing to go through hell anyway…and she was very courageous. Being able to see who she was and what she was feeling, in that moment, my heart ached for her.. It made me stop and reflect on the reality of what I was asking her to do. To be completely vulnerable by telling and processing stories and events of intimate content to a male counselor. A counselor, I might add, who she’s known only for about a month or two, and now is facing overwhelming emotions, choosing to process them and is challenged to change her beliefs that she is unlovable, a belief that’s been there for a long time. A head on collision with what has caused her to live in severe distress, profound despair, and hopelessness. Have you ever felt so shameful from your past experiences or a certain event that it takes away your freedom of wonder, joy, and peace, and instead cripples you leaving you broken? Do you know what it’s like feeling desperate, helpless, and alone? Have we therapists stopped and considered what our clients are going through and will go through if they do embark on our invitation to heal? Just sit with that for a moment…no…sit with your clients in that. It was only when I saw in her eyes, her fear and desperation, did I attempt to be present, attentive, and compassionate, piecing it all off from my stash and giving a piece of my hope to her. 

Your client doesn’t have to believe they can heal at the beginning of their journey with you. They simply first need to not feel alone. Alone in how they feel, alone is where they are. And it’s you who needs to sit and be with them in despair and pain, to then walk with them towards hope and profound healing. You can do this by slowing down and reflecting on what you’re asking of your clients. You can do this if you know your client, which you begin by looking into their eyes and seeing goodness, beauty, worth, a divine spark, and potential. To see but a person of intrinsic value. Someone with powerful and valid emotions. When your clients look at you do they feel seen? What do you see? Go and be with them.