Learn to create an environment that allows your clients to view themselves freely. An environment where they have permission to be raw, honest, and take risks. Allow space that encourages your clients to not just talk about change, but to do and say things that actualizes such changes. 

One tool I have found helpful when assisting clients to work towards changing their inner negative thoughts is an “exposure technique”. This exercise aids clients in understanding how to transform their inner dialogue and overcome their fears, as well as helps them to learn how to process their emotions. I do this by inviting my clients to express themselves to their resistance and encourage them to do so through actions or verbalizing phrases. I’ve seen many times how this allows them to transform the perception they have of themself. On a number of occasions, my clients have identified and verbalized negative criticism about themselves during sessions, such as, “I’m worthless”. I then invite them to join in a role play. I prompt the exercise by playing the “bully” or the critical voice and start speaking to them, echoing their self-critical statements.

“What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know you’ll never be good enough. There is no hope for you. You’ll never be worthy of being loved.”

(I’ll admit, as I have admitted to my clients while I do this exercise with them, hearing those words come out of my mouth and directing them towards my clients is like eating a whole bag of sour patch kids all at once; it feels awful.)

Then I will have my clients verbalize back to me, speaking rational and confirmed truth, countering such lies and inviting them to advocate for themselves. 

“You’re wrong! I am good enough and am very valuable because of the love shown to me by family and friends. There will be a day when I’ll meet someone special and even though I don’t know when, that doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.” 

Here they assert truth, and this gives them the opportunity to ground themselves in reason, to object and denounce the lies and self-criticism out loud. (The more the five senses are engaged during the exercise, the more the new positive belief is grounded and sustained. In other words, because I saw it, felt it, tasted it, I’m more likely to believe the change of cognitive thought.)

After a round or two, I ask my clients if I can challenge them a little bit more. This time, rather than arguing back with the criticism and providing rational evidence, I invite them to validate the emotions that they are feeling. Keep in mind that the validation of emotions is validation of one’s self worth. One client said she wanted to push back on the person who was causing her severe distress and impeding her personal, physical boundaries, thus making her feel paralyzed. So I invited her to stand up and re-enacted the event, allowing her to change the narrative and belief of, “I am helpless” to “I am capable of maintaining and advocating my boundaries” given the actual example of engaging her body and reinforcing self-advocacy. She actualized this by extending her arms in the air as if she was pushing back. 

I asked another client what he wanted to do or say to validate his anger towards the person who hurt him. He identified as wanting to kick over his chair that he was sitting in. And so he did. 

I challenged one particular client, who I had established deep trust and solid rapport with, to validate her emotions and “get angry” and “push back” on her harsh self-criticism and beliefs. During this round, I played the role of criticism.

“You’re worthless. There is something wrong with you. The suffering you’re experiencing is because of you and there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t deserve anything good or any love from others.” 

 I invited her to take the risk and reply back with gusto, and to my great and amazing surprise, with immense confidence, she replied back,

 “Shut the fuck up! You don’t own me! I know who I am and I know that I am good and allowed love and affection. Don’t bring that shit here. Get out!” 

There was a sigh and then we both laughed. It was truly remarkable. The client, who at the beginning of the session, was discouraged and felt ashamed of herself, now sounded and looked more confident. She was relieved, as if a burden was lifted and…she was free. Free from the screams of self-criticism and harsh beliefs. Free from shame and free from the prison of fear and doubt. It was a miraculous sight.

Clients who take on this challenge report increased confidence,  peace, and transformative freedom. Therapy is a great place to talk about such realities and work towards change, but it also needs to be a safe place to act out and feel emotions in order to actually break the chains of self-hatred, despair, discouragement, loneliness, and unworthiness. The kicker is that although this technique has a significant value in the process of healing, it was the therapeutic rapport and the depth of trust that allowed the client to believe they had permission and freedom to tear down their walls and lay down their masks, to finally be vulnerable enough to allow themselves to be seen. It is the space created that assists in discovering the truth on a journey of healing. 

Safeguard that relationship and the sacred space of the therapeutic session. Initially build trust and rapport. Invite and challenge your client to not only talk about freedom, but to allow themselves action to gain their freedom. When my clients are entrapped by their fears or put down by their self-doubts, after this exercise, they now have a concrete experience that they can look back on and remember the true words that were spoken, what they have accepted, and are instilled with new hope. They are free to begin living to the fullest.