Learn to celebrate victories with your client. Whether it’s small and something seemingly unimportant or when they overcome a huge obstacle and it becomes life-changing.

Positive reinforcement encourages children and adults to continue or repeat a behavior over a consistent amount of time.  It’s a scientific fact specifically identified in child development. As Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist, says, “If a person does what you want them to do, acknowledge it so they can do it again.” And so, in therapy, if a client reports that they were able to follow through with a homework assignment that they were resistant towards, or while in therapy, they said or did an action that was difficult for them to do, you celebrate and, therefore, reinforce the achievement. An example of this is when a client reports that they were able to set boundaries with their parents because of the work that they have been accomplishing in therapy. Another example is when a client, who, having worked on increasing their self-confidence, takes a risk and puts themselves out there in a social setting or when a client who is fearful of the past and resists letting others love them decides to be vulnerable with her friends and is excited; you celebrate such experience and behaviors. 

Rejoice and take delight in the work and victories of your clients. Reinforce the process of your clients growing in courage and willingness to “do the work of healing”, that is, to take the necessary risk or behaviors that lead to change. The action of reinforcement can be done through celebrations. Now, there may be concern that too much celebration might become insincere and counterproductive. Always be sincere and honest. If you are not sincere in your celebration, then don’t do it. (If you‘re not being sincere in general, then maybe there’s another issue that needs to be addressed.) It’s important that you model to your clients that it’s ok to rejoice in one’s accomplishments and victories. In essence, learning to rejoice in one’s victory is revealing the divine, that is, the personhood of the client. It reveals that the person in front of you has the capacity to do the unthinkable; to overcome much pain and sorrow. This person has the capacity to do great things and they have what it takes to achieve miraculous healing and growth. This is important, it needs to be communicated and, oftentimes, revealed to them. All too often, we criticize ourselves and may see ourselves as villains or monsters. There are many reasons for this; shame, trauma, past experiences, but I think in particular, we criticize ourselves rather than see our potential for greatness because our suffering points out our flaws, our weaknesses, and our proclivity toward evil. In order to transform our suffering we have to take on the challenge of overcoming such obstacles and many times we fail miserably at it. Thus it goes to show that the victories matter. So when they do happen, after much hardship and dedication, one needs to celebrate such effort, for it comes at a cost.  It came at the cost of sacrificing the tendency to fall to a weakness but deciding to stand in the breach and overcome.

There are many moments of opportunity and moments of celebration that I’ve had with my clients. One recent client that sticks out to me is Jane*.

I had seen Jane for a good couple of months now and throughout our journey we developed a significant style in session. It was trust that allowed her to unpack and share the impact of her deep-rooted shame in her daily life. Part of our process was to help her transform her negative core belief of her self-worth into one that was more life-giving. Shame, and how it reinforces several negative beliefs, is but a mountain that one needs to climb and, in doing so, may bring about many risks. And yet, Jane began climbing. Inch by inch she climbed. After some time she was almost to the top. During one session in particular we discussed shame, the damage it’s caused and the impact it had on her self-confidence. Wanting to help her learn how to apply the strength she learned in session, I relied on the victories she had already acquired while coming to therapy. And then she smiled. She began to smile a warm and energetic smile, which resonated with her, confirming that, indeed, she was a person of great worth and beauty. While celebrating her victories she was reminded of her worth. I discovered how her warm and joyful smile was contagious. She left the session with a deeper sense of herself and feeling more happy and at peace. 

Learn to marvel and celebrate your client’s hard-to-earn victories. Reinforce their behavior and help them to learn to see themselves as you see them; someone worth fighting for. Someone with worth.  Show your clients by celebrating with them that they are working on more than their sins but that they can dare to validate the divine spark within them. The very cause of their victory. You will find that people want to celebrate their victories and they want to know that they have worth. They just don’t permit themselves to do so. This is why it is important to celebrate their victories and appreciate their personhood.

*Name and details have been changed for confidentiality.