Strive to learn to understand what true forgiveness is. Specifically, forgiveness toward self. The reason for it is that a heartfelt, convicted forgiveness towards others and towards yourself leads to transformation and healing. Many of the people I have worked with that struggle with significant shame and regret have expressed to me their discouragement in how, although they would go to confession and know that God has forgiven them, they have not forgiven themselves. The kicker is that confession or prayer of repentance can be an intellectual experience (true in its mercy and forgiveness) but it’s our part to take that mercy to heart and allow ourselves to be transformed by it. In a way, confession and the prayer of contrition is God forgiving us, and in doing so, He teaches us to then learn to forgive ourselves. And still, we often struggle to forgive ourselves. As my client, Eliza*, believed that because she consented to having premarital sex, she doesn’t deserve to be unconditionally loved. I discussed with her that the process of healing such severe emotional wounds is to “go back” and validate those experiences and change their meaning. She expressed hesitation towards the idea because she felt it would be condoning her actions. I think possibly it is here that we get to see a deeper insight into mercy and forgiveness. Validating one’s emotion is not the same as condoning an action. The difference is that validation is taking a look at the deeper meaning, finding that it’s good, and saying “That’s good, let’s express or celebrate that goodness.” Sexual sin, as seen in its morality code, is one of the most understandable sins (though just to be clear, understanding does not equate to giving oneself an excuse). Why? Because we are sexual beings, we are ordered to acknowledge that love and sex in marriage is an expression of love. We don’t condone sexual sin but understand its meaning, that is, our interior drive is that we are seeking true love, but doing it in a way that is warped or distorted.  We desire to be loved. This reality that we are relational beings and desire to be loved on its own is very good and so going back to inviting such remains good (not to condone the perverse ways we seek out that love) and saying it is good. And so maybe part of what true forgiveness is, what true mercy is, means not only absolving the perverse events but replacing it with the truth that “you are still good”. Just as when humankind was created and God deemed us “very good”. I reflected to my client how maybe it’s God who wants to take her back and help her see what He sees in the dearest distressing, perverse moments of her sexual experiences. For what she has seen is a broken woman hurting and ashamed, undeserving of love, where God, in those dark moments instead sees that His beloved daughter is all good and is full of worth. He sees you, whom He loves. Yes, forgiveness is not about just taking away our sins, but also reminding us that we are still good.