Note from the Author: I am committed to keeping my client’s identity confidential while also being able to share some examples from therapy for educational purposes, therefore, names and details of their stories have been changed in this blog.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Ok, every so often your clients will come to you with a certain presentation, affect, and “look.” One example of this would be a client who is well dressed, seems to have a positive attitude, and is talkative. Accept who you see before you. Learn not to judge their presentation and don’t simply put them in a box of how you expect them to behave now, in the future, and in the past. Be open to the possibility that the person in front of you has already been on a journey.  That he or she has achieved much healing and transformation. Be open to the possibility that the person you see in front of you believes that there is hope that they can change and grow closer to being a better version of themselves. Wherever your client is, be present and accepting of the person in front of you and be open to the possibility that they have already worked towards being a better version of themselves. They are not who they used to be and still, the person in front of you beginning their journey can transform into a better version of themself. Don’t size them up too quickly and put them in a box of ‘this is how they were, are, and will be’. This mentality will prevent you from being present to the person in front of you. It’ll steal away your hope of rediscovery and change and make the therapeutic process rigid rather than flexible. You are not their savior. They can change for the better before seeing you and if you did your job well, they will continue to change after you. Keep away from your subtle biases and judgments because the tendency to put people in boxes and make absolute judgments on what you see in front of you (rather than accepting the person in front of you) can be subtle and at times unconscious.

 An example of this occurred when I began working with Kim*. Kim* was a 22-year-old client, who was currently in college. She was also engaged to be married in about two months. She came to me with some particular issues including life transitions and worries about what life would be like finishing out her college career while being married. In the beginning weeks of her treatment, rapport was built and trust was established. In one particular session, she expressed severe distress with regard to her sexual expectations when getting married. Kim* shared that these fears were prompted by a discussion in marriage prep with her fiancé. She began to experience discouragement from the impact of her “sexual wounds.” She disclosed how over a year ago she was sexually active prior to her current relationship. Although having decided to live more chastely she still expressed experiencing severe shame due to her actions. Kim*, in quiet honesty and a soft tone, disclosed how she’s “terrified” that her shame will make it difficult or impossible to appreciate and desire her sexual relationship with her new husband. How her experiences in the past would tarnish her experience in her marriage. That having sex with her husband would bring up shame rather than joy and love. She expressed that she believes she doesn’t deserve to enjoy sex and she’s worried that these issues will cause her to resist sexual feelings towards her future husband and any sexual advances from him thus creating disconnection and apprehension. She thought she “got over this” through a significant amount of spiritual transformation and re-conversion to her christian faith. Yet, she still experienced severe emotional wounds. 

We decided to make this feeling of shame our priority in treatment. She learned to heal her shame and come to a place of peace and joy. However, I want to share my reactions. When she first disclosed to me her experience and her history, I honestly was shocked. I’m not proud of how I reacted to her story. I believe the reason for my reactions was because her presentation was modest and elegantly dressed with a calm demeanor. She was soft-spoken, sweet, and kind. And although she had a soft presentation she was also driven and ambitious, fun and easy to talk to, beautiful smile, and was passionate and devout about her Catholic faith. The kicker to all this was how I chose to put her in a box based only on what I saw and not what I heard. Thus preventing me from being present, accepting, and appreciating the person in front of me. Someone that to my preconceived judgment wouldn’t have an in-depth sexual past of having premarital sex. Now of course, no doubt she was the same good natured person but simply chose a different path back then. Unintentionally I judged my client. I think at times I have this preconceived notion that if you are a devout Christian, you are not allowed to have a sinful past or a broken past. So when she was telling me this, in my shock, I was then trying to picture her past and my mind was trying to “make sense of it”. Thankfully, at this moment I had the awareness to snap off such a thought. As a therapist, you don’t imagine or try to visualize the events that your client derives, especially when it involves sexual content and trauma (I have a few professors to thank for teaching me this skill). Rather, I changed my awareness to the present moment, put aside my judgment and learned to accept her along with  her struggles and her shame. I felt grateful for having caught myself in my judgment. Such awareness allowed me to listen to her pain and share with her the hope that self-forgiveness and healing are possible. All the while not condoning her past actions, but encouraging and reassuring her that her desire to be loved by her future husband was possible.

And so it wasn’t my best moment as a counselor. I recognize that it’s ok to have my own reactions and process during therapy sessions. It also made me aware that I need to leave all my biases at the door in order to see and accept the person in front of me. To behold and love who they were before and to know and love the person they are and will become. So again, learn to not judge your clients by their “cover” but learn to accept all of them.

*Name and details have been changed for confidentiality.