Embrace the messiness of therapy. 

There have been many times when working with individual clients or couples, where things that I would characterize as messy occurred during sessions. For example, when a couple is in the middle of a session and the husband becomes so upset that he decides to leave for a period of time to calm down before rejoining the session. There have been times when clients become dysregulated to the point of dissociating, either on the floor or in their chair, and I proceed to walk them through how to come back to the present and help them recognize they were safe. There also have been times I have had to address my client’s reactions to a change in our appointment. In these conversations I would invite them to share their frustrations with me and how the schedule change impacted them emotionally. As fruitful as these conversations have been, they have also felt vulnerable. In some sessions clients might share that they’ve been experiencing audio hallucinations, suicide, or self-harm ideation in which I would pray that they follow the safety plan that we constructed together during our session. Oftentimes clients will weep and no words of comfort can be said. These experiences have been a learning curve coming from a guy who likes to fix things. Many times I have had to practice discerning when to provide psychoeducation or help them learn to construct a plan versus sitting in silence and feeling emotions alongside them. During many of these experiences, my reaction has been to “freak out” instinctively.  I was distressed due to my mindset that the “sessions should not be completely chaotic or messy!” However, with time, patience, and practice, I am now able to allow myself space to find moments of which I am proud. I have learned to not just “tolerate” emotional or severely distressing experiences in session but rather to value and embrace them. I’ve learned to remain calm, slow my mind down and allow the conversation to play out, to continue to ask questions and to listen patiently rather than looking around anxiously for “what to do next.” 

What I learned from these experiences is what I want to pass on to you. When in sessions with individuals, families, or couples, the content is intimate and painful. The process (how each person is reacting in the here and now of the therapeutic session) is raw. The clients are internally, as well as externally, processing their emotions through words or actions. It is best to strive to do these following things: 

• Allow Space for the Mess: Our clients come to us trying to make sense of their pain. They need a space to allow themselves to feel their emotions, to understand their value validated by the pain, to allow themes to be seen and accepted in such a mess.  When a client begins to cry, a couple begins to express their pain to one another, or a client is verbalizing her pain with great emotion; let them. Stay quiet and listen.  

• Stay Calm: You’re allowed to freak out as a therapist internally; you’re not a robot. Yes, attempt to maintain composure, you are attempting to model the means of self-regulation. But all the same, allow yourself to take a few deep breaths. I found this to be very helpful as a therapist and it allows your client to model after you. They are able to practice regulating with you as well as see that you’re human. They can witness your healthy human reactions thus allowing for trust to be built. Your client is sharing something raw and important for healing, pay attention. 

• Be honest: Acknowledge the fact that human experiences can be messy, painful, disparaging and seemingly hopeless and that people’s emotional reactions to such experiences will be a variety of responses. Your ability to accept their mess and their brokenness allows them to have hope.

I believe a primary goal of therapy is to help the client make order out of chaos. Sometimes the best way to do that is to allow for the chaos and mess to be let out and present itself in the session.  It is in your ability to maintain calm and keep the peace so that they will be able to experience incredible mercy and acceptance when they look up and see you there, looking upon them, communicating that here in therapy you’re allowed to “be a mess” to be broken, to even be wretched and still be good. Such experiences are transformative and healing.  Embrace your mess and your client’s mess, learn to love it, for in it, does one discover hope, healing, and self.